


Snow Berry

by ramenandboxers



Category: Bleach
Genre: AU, Aizen is the villain-Again, M/M, OOC, SLY actually adores Renji but she enjoys making fun of him, UKE!BERRY FOR LIFE-EVEN AS A MONSTER, dialogue comes naturally to me, flash backs are my bad habit, highly encouraged to read if readers want a laugh, meant to amuse and entertain, not really that violent at all, older fic but its the winter season-so yeah, renji-centric, slight crack, slight spin/spoof parody on abominable snow man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:42:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27990210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ramenandboxers/pseuds/ramenandboxers
Summary: All through out his life Renji has heard the tale of the abominable SnowBerry but he's never met the mystical being until now.
Relationships: Abarai Renji/Kurosaki Ichigo, Abarai Renji/Szayel Aporro Granz, implied/brief AiIchi, implied/hinted GrimmIchi, implied/hinted NnoiIchi, implied/hinted StarrkIchi, side pairing Kuchiki Rukia/Inoue Orihime
Kudos: 2





	1. Snow Berry

**Author's Note:**

> SLY: Before we begin would you like to say a few words boys? 
> 
> Renji: About fucking time you let me claim Ichigo's ass good and proper. 
> 
> Ichigo: You're just sour because Lady Sly likes to write you as a Grade A Pillow Biter completely ignoring your closet!Seme like nature. 
> 
> SLY: Except for this time around.

Disclaimer: KUBO-SENSEI OWNS IT ALL!

** SNOWBERRY **

"It is said that every winter way up high in the mountains the abominable snowberry will appear and kill any and all in its path. But you don't have to worry about that if you're a good child who listens and respects your elders."

"It is also said that the snowberry is like over 100 years old and has shocking streak of orange in its pure white fur but if that's the case then I've already seen him, my neighbor's cat."

The classroom erupted with laughter and  11 year old Renji basked in the attention his school mates were giving him, chuckling at his own 'greatness' before his sensei came over to his desk with eyes narrowed.

"Since you seem to have so much free time cracking jokes  Abarai-kun you can spend the rest of your free time with me today after school in detention."

Renji let out a groan and once more the class erupted with laughter but this time the redhead wasn't joining in.

()()()

A year later at age 12 Renji was staying with his family up in a cabin near the mountains.

It was late in the night when the redhead heard the inhuman scream echoing within the distance. But no one else panicked so Renji figured he didn't have any reason to panic either.

He pulled his sleeping bag more tightly around his frame and drifted back off into dream land.

()()

It didn't last long-a little more than an hour had passed when the cabin door flew open and a man who Renji recognized as the log cabin owner screamed at the top of his lungs

"Run, run for your lives it's the abominable snowberry!"

Renji barely had time to register what was being said before his mother gripped him by his arm and dragged him out of his sleeping bag, out the door and out to the car, demanding that his father drive as fast as humanely possible.

More curious then scared Renji looked out the window with the hope that he might catch a glimpse of the monstrous snowberry but the only thing to greet his sight was a heavy-set man running out into the middle of the night in nothing but his long johns, pink furry boots and a lantern.

"Look it's old St. Nick taking a holiday."

Unfortunately for our prime redhead his mother did not find his comment amusing. She smacked Renji on the head and ordered the boy to face front.

Renji scowled before eventually settling down and falling back to sleep.

()()()

At age 13 Renji had dragged one of his best buds to the ice-skating ring-he was hoping to catch a glimpse of his dream girl and possibly maybe ask her out and he figured having a wingman would bring him luck.

()()

Nel had arrived from Russia a few short weeks ago and the moment Renji laid his eyes on her out-of-this-world- seagreen locks and hazel eyes he knew that she had to be his bride.

"Renji I don't think this is a good idea I mean you saw what happened when that kid from class B made a move on her-a shudder-the guy has to drink out of straw for the next ten years you don't want the same thing to happen to you do you?"

Renji rolled his eyes, continued to tie his skates and set the record straight.

"You're getting your stories confused man- Omaeda has to drink out of a straw because he tried to grab  Soifon -sensei's ass he never came anywhere near my girl."

"Really well then how come  sh -

"Shh here she comes!"

Renji hastily ran his fingers through his combed hair and adjusted his clip-on tie before leaping out from behind the bushes in order to greet his dream girl.

"Afternoon Nel, fancy meeting you here."

The girl blinked repeatedly before closing the distance between them wrapping her arms around his neck and then let out an excited shout "You've come back to me!"

Renji, although slightly confused decided to just enjoy the moment for what it was. His dream girl was hugging him and he hadn't even properly introduced himself."

As he was about to open his mouth and ask Nel the question that he had been dying to ask her, a crowd started to gather. Renji recognized the group to be some of his classmates from school.

"Kiss her, kiss her, kiss her kiss her!"

Renji had never kissed a girl so he felt a little nervous but Nel wasn't just a girl…she was his dream girl.

()()

But as the redhead leaned in with puckered lips the  seagreen haired girl pushed him back "What are you doing? You can't kiss Nel, Nel is not a boy!"

There was dead silence. Followed by laughter.

Renji again felt confused.

Nel thought he was-his dream girl thought he was-

The  seagreen haired girl was giggling with a group of her friends now and not knowing what else to do Renji ran.

()()()

"Don't take it personally man I hear she's a little unstable, doesn't have all her brain cells and seems to mistake every redhead for her  long-lost brother."

Renji didn't give a damn what Shuhei was trying to tell him-nor did he care.

He had far more horrific things to deal with at the moment.

Like proving to half the school that he was not gay.

Of all things why would she-

"See I guess she had this on again off again incestuous fling thing with her half-brother but she was brought up to believe that that sort of behavior was a sin and-

As Shuhei continued to ramble on and on Renji (in a bout of desperation) brought the cigarette liter he had snatched from his mother when her back was turned up to his hair and watched as the tiny flame burned the brilliant cursed red locks.

()()()

Unfortunately for our sweet but simple cherry pineapple rumors had followed him from grade school all the way up to his  high school years-but of course by that time Renji didn't give a damn what anyone thought of him-well for the most part anyway.

()()()

5 days away from his 19th birthday an older male approached Renji in an alley way on his way home from work with a simple no-strings attached proposal.

It wasn't an unpleasant experience exactly but it could have been much more enjoyable if the guy hadn't been such an arrogant jackass-correction an arrogant jackass who had assumed that he, Renji, would be the one take the submissive role-

As fucking IF!

()()()

Reddish-brown eyes blazing with rage Renji had quickly put the prick in his place!

()()()

Renji held the phone away from his ear as his long time best female friend laughed at him.

"Shut up Rukia!"

**_ The giggling continued, "I'm sorry Renji but you can't really blame me I mean it's funny that a guy like you constantly has to prove himself." _ **

"Damn you Rukia! Not everyone is like your brother."

" **_ Byakuya  _ ** **_ nii-sama _ ** **_? What does he have to do with anything?" _ **

Renji did not like the teasing tone in Rukia's voice just then,  **_ "Unless could it be that you have some kind of crush on Byakuya  _ ** **_ nii-sama _ ** **_?" _ **

"NO! Damn you I'm not-look I don't want another guy okay-so just drop it!"

" **_ Sure, sure whatever you say Renji, you know how I  _ ** **_ hate  _ ** **_ to get you all flustered-I'll leave that for your fanboys. _ ** _ " _

"Damn it Rukia just stop I'm not- arggg I'm not fucking flustered okay just drop it!"

" **_ I don't know what you're getting so upset for Renji but anyway Byakuya- _ ** **_ nii _ ** **_ - _ ** **_ sama _ ** **_ is away on a business trip and won't return  _ ** **_ til _ ** **_ next week but I'm sure U- _ **

"Don't even think about it!"

" **_ Relax I was simply going to point out that  _ ** **_ Urahara _ ** **_ is always willing to offer lessons to- _ **

"Shut up damn you just shut up!"

" **_ Fine, fine I'll stop." _ **

"Thank you."

" **_ You know Renji I- _ **

"What? What damn it what is it now?"

" **_ Nii- _ ** **_ sama _ ** **_ always says that  _ ** **_ its _ ** **_ more fun to switch it up rather than give into to the same old routine every now and then-course he still prefers to be in control (like most men) but I know for a fact that if you tickle his neck a certain way he'll melt into your arms. But  _ ** **_ of course _ ** **_ it won't last long-it never does since he's a Kuchiki and Kuchiki's are bred for pouncing!" _ **

"Pounc-look I don't want to know this so can you please just stop!"

" **_ I'm just trying to tell you that there are pros and cons to both sides and you really shouldn't knock it until you- _ **

"STOP! JUST PLEASE STOP IT! I'm not gay I don't want your brother or any other guy. I'll-I swear I'll become a monk or something."

He could hear Rukia snorting on the other end.

" **_ Always so over the top dramatic, sometimes I wonder where you're hiding your  _ ** **_ va _ ** **_ -jay-jay at." _ **

"RUKIA SHUT UP!"

" **_ Fine I promise I'll shut up if you admit it." _ **

"Admit what?" Renji snarled losing his patience. Typical Rukia she loved to drive him to near insanity and beyond.

" **_ Admit that you liked shoving your cock into another man's ass." _ **

"I-I-that was only be-

" **_ Rukia-1, Renji 0." _ **

Damn bitch was celebrating.

"Yeah,  yeah so I lost it once and stuck my cobra where the fuckin' sun don't shine and what?"

" **_ And you loved it and were curious to see how- _ **

"I was not-I told you to shut the fu-

Rukia was no doubt rolling on the floor with laughter now.

"Enough already just tell me where and when you need me to be there."

Rukia was getting married-well it was a 3rd wedding actually. The previous two had been major flops. The first had been an arranged marriage to a guy who was like 15 years older than her and the second was rather unstable in more ways than one-eventually wound up killing himself.

The third time around his raven-haired friend was marrying another young woman, she called her Hime-chan.

" **_ We expect you to meet us up in the snowcapped mountains. The color theme for the wedding is white, gold and blue. Make sure you bring a pair of boots for the occasion-also as for a gift I don't want anything cliché or last minute-think  _ ** **_ outside _ ** **_ the box-make sure it's grand but not  _ ** **_ overpriced _ ** **_. I'm thinking a baby lamb-a cute one. Think you can manage that?" _ **

Of all the ridiculous things his friend could ask for she wanted a lamb?

"Where the hell  am I supposed to get one of those?"

Rukia continued on as though she hadn't even heard Renji **_ "I will not have you ruin my wedding day  _ ** **_ Abarai _ ** **_ -! Do whatever you have to do to get me what I want and then bring your ass up to white moon lodge in 3 days." _ **

()()()

"Whatever you do don't go getting lost in the mountains now  Abarai-kun ."

Szayel Grantz, Renji's downstairs neighbor. To sum the guy up in a few simple words: flamboyant, perverted and wore way too much damn pink than could be considered healthy in his wardrobe.

Often more than not the pink-haired male would invite Renji to one of nightly soiree's telling the redhead things like

' _ You'll never think of lab rats or hamsters the same way again when you see what we do with them." _

And Renji in turn would often shudder in horror and disgust, race up to his own apartment and dead bolt the door.

He did not want to even imagine what his neighbor may or may not be doing with rodents!

And yet…

' **_ I don't know what the hell I was thinking asking this guy of all people to house sit while I'm gone,' _ ** _ thought Renji. _

The redhead finished zipping up his last suitcase before turning to the pink-haired male with a final warning.

"Don't break anything and for that matter don't do anything funny like soil my bedsheets or something. On second thought just stay out of my bedroom!"

Szayel looked far too amused for Renji's liking.

"Honestly  Abarai-kun I'm almost beginning to think that you doth protest too much and secretly do wish for me to christen your bedsheets."

Renji face turned so damn bright red-his hair seemed pale in comparison.

"Just make sure Zabi and Maru get fed twice a day and whatever you do don't kill the Hydrangeas, it's a gift from a friend."

Szayel draped his candy cane striped jacket over the back of Renji's leather brown couch before sitting down with that natural uber dramatic flair of his. "I promise I'll be a good boy just for you Abarai-kun although I certainly don't have any control over what my subconscious might do while I'm sleeping."

Renji so did not like the glint in the other male's amber eyes. He went a bit pale at  Szayel's words ' _ Maybe I should just tell Rukia that I don't think I'll be able to m- _

"You know  Abarai-kun or perhaps I should start calling you Ren? Yes  _ Ren _ , since we're officially best friends now I think-a pause-

Szayel had moved off the couch and was now making his way over to Renji-coming too damn close for comfort-

Amber eyes darkening, voice dropping an octave or two-

Renji noted absent-mindedly that his breath smelled like peppermint and boysenberry.

"How about a goodbye kiss?"

That was the final straw!

The pineapple redheads face twisted into a snarl-his eyes blazed with fury!

All common sense and good manners leaving him Renji swung his fist almost hard enough to break Grantz' jaw-sending the older male flying over the couch and on to the floor.

He would have panicked at the sight of the small trickle of blood running down the pink-haired males' face if  Szayel didn't have that stupid perverted grin on his face.

Renji pulled his shameless neighbor to his feet and set him back on the couch, ordering  Szayel to stay while he went into the bathroom to get the first aid kit.

But as Renji turned to leave Grantz gripped him by the arm, holding him in place. "Who needs a bandage when I have you,  _ Ren _ ."

Renji felt his face grow hot with anger once more and snatched his arm back. "Don't fuckin' touch me or I swear the next time you do will be your-

Amber eyes danced behind designer flames "Yes  Abarai-kun please I beg you to unleash your inner beast on me. I've been a bad boy and I need to be taught a lesson," a sigh "It's been far too long since I've been properly disciplined."

Renji crossed his arms and the glare on his face turned positively murderous-or something equally dramatic.

_ One of these days Rukia would come over and find squad cars stationed outside of his apartment and when the raven-haired woman asked what happened Renji would announce that he had snapped and killed his neighbor. _

_ Rather than being surprised or disturbed by the announcement Rukia would probably break out the champagne bottles and throw a fucking party-a drunken laugh issuing from her coral pink painted lips _

' _ Love never hurt so damn good' or 'You couldn't stand the thought that he might leave you for another and so you killed him-ensuring you'd be together forever. How romantic.' _

_ And at the funeral  _ _ Szayel's _ _ brother  _ _ Illfort _ _ would put on a wig and tell Renji that _

' _ His soul lives on in me and so I am yours to have and hold and- _

There was something wet on his neck-it tickled a bit and-

" What the hell? Get off me!"

Szayel had apparently taken it upon himself to turn Renji's neck into some type of snack or something while he had been lost in thought.

Bastard!

Not caring if it made him look like a complete asshole for the second time that morning Renji's curled  fist met  Szayel's stupid face and the pink-haired male went flying once more.

_ ()()() _

Fearing he had gone too far when a simple trickle of blood had turned into a puddle-only to be knocked to his own ass as a grinning  Szayel pulled him down by his ankles and pounced!

Renji was having none of that-so be it! If  Szayel insisted on constantly harassing him well then, the older male would pay the price.

()()

For the record Renji found absolutely no pleasure whatsoever in wrestling  Szayel down and shoving his King Cobra balls deep inside his annoying downstairs neighbor.

He didn't give two shits if Grantz came or not-didn't even think about how he had become hard enough in order to fuck the perverted pink-haired male in the first place.

()()()

"You know  _ Ren _ , I've got to say that you really should let the cobra out more often-think it would release some of that obvious tension y-

"Shut the fuck up Grantz! This changes nothing! You only wound up like this because there's no way in hell I'd ever let you or anyone else for that matter turn me into a GD pillow biter."

"So crude, really I think it's better to just enjoy the moment rather than-

"Shut up! Just hurry up and come or whatever-I have things to do."

Szayel pouted. "Here I was gracious enough to present my perfectly shaped, waxed and naturally lubricated ass to you and all you give me in return is grade a bitchiness."

"Fuck you Grantz I'm not the bitch here!"

The familiar glint- no this was slightly different-darker-appeared behind designer glasses, "Correction Ren, you're not the bitch as of yet but given some time-

Oh, that was it!

Without warning Renji ripped his King cobra out of his stupid, shameless  next-door neighbor, zipped up his pants and stormed out of the living room.

()()()

He stood in front of the full-length mirror and studied himself.

Renji concluded what he always knew. There was  absol -fucking  lutely nothing girly about him-except for maybe his hair but he didn't have any control over that.

When he was  younger he often complained to his mother saying how he hated the fact that his hair was so damn girly.

His mother had often responded by giggling behind her hand before saying _ "Well your father always said he was the reincarnated King of the Apes, so perhaps he passed it on to you." _

Aside from a few freak outs while growing up including but not limited to setting the locks on fire-Renji eventually sucked it up and dealt with it. Drawing attention to the rest of his features-with bright and bold tattoos inspired by one of his child hood heroes from an anime-they made him look fierce and manly and-

There was a knock on the door pulling Renji from his thoughts-

"Come on Ren, you can't stay locked in the bathroom all day."

"Fuck you!"

"If you insist on going another round before you depart  well I certainly have no objections but-

"Not like that you- arggg -

And yet even as the tattooed redhead huffed and puffed and snarled at the pink-haired male on the other side of the bathroom door there was no mistaking the noticeable tent regrowing in his pants.

"Damn you Grantz! What the fuck did you do to me?"

It was barely above a whisper but the walls were practically paper thin so it should come as no great surprise when-

"I haven’t done anything to you Ren, just brought your desires to the surface seeing how you so love to deny yourself and all."

"You-!” Arrgg Renji wanted to punch something else aside from  Szayel's face-although he might want to punch that again too but-

"Look just shut up and go make some coffee or something since it's the only thing you're good for."

This was not an entirely true nor fair statement to make since Renji knew for a fact that the pink-haired male had a degree in medicine and was a licensed physical therapist.

But he really rather not  think about the older male's positive points.

"Coffee it is my sweet  _ Ren _ ."

"Don't call me sweet you perverted flamingo!"

A whimsical laugh and then the sound of footsteps fading away.

()()()

Renji continued to stand inside the bathroom for another 15 minutes before finally deeming it safe enough to come out."

()()()

" **_ This is DJ Kaze  _ ** **_ sayin _ ** **_ ' stay off the road because an ice storm is headed your way!" _ **

Renji switched the radio dial

" **_ You're listening to Flash Step Radio-All Fast Music All the time!" _ **

Somehow it was always easier to drive into a blizzard with bubblegum rock and pop music blasting through the speakers.

It was so light and bouncy that the fact that Renji's windshield wipers were broken and that the heater produced more air than actual heat almost didn't matter.

Key word being almost because with broken windshield wipers Renji was forced to drive slower than a senior citizen. The few cars that remained on the road honked and shouted obscenities at him.

One guy even went so far as to ram into him from the side swerving into an illegal lane.

Renji wasn't in the mood to start some sort of road rage war with the other drivers so he let them pass.

Not caring that a short while later his car was the only one on the road.

()()

He bobbed his head to Tyki Mikk's Shattered Innocence and took a few more sips from his thermos.

That was one thing he had to hand to  Szayel -the pink-haired male could brew one hell of a coffee.

His neighbor had said that it was his way of apologizing for giving Renji such a difficult morning.

Renji had rolled his eyes and accepted the thermos without protest.

Quickly discovering that this was both a good and bad decision.

Good because like with most caffeine he would be awake and full of energy for several hours, having no problem for his road trip up to the mountains.

Bad because it seemed that as nice as Grantz' gesture might have seemed there was a catch-the bastard had slipped a little something into it-

Something that was now causing Renji to practically hump his damn steering wheel.

And when that wasn't enough at every red light Renji would be forced to whip out his King Cobra and dunk it in ice water-hoping that it would solve the problem.

No such luck!

Renji had no other choice but to take care of his not so little problem the proper way.

Keeping one hand trained on the wheel he used his other one to jack off!

Not that this helped much either because now on top of a throbbing dick he had a dirty car (not that it was particularly clean to begin with but-

Oh he was so going to kill  Szayel when he got back-

If he got back-hadn't he passed that damn tree like 6 times?

()()()

This was the moment when it would probably be wise to take his hand out of his pants and call for-well not for help because if he did then Rukia would just rub It in his face-

So, he couldn't call her he'd call another friend-

" **_ Hello?" _ **

"Hey uh can I speak to  Ikkaku ?"

" **_ I'm afraid he's a bit preoccupied at the moment, can I take a message?" _ **

"Huh-oh no uh but listen by any chance you wouldn't happen to have any idea how to get to the (CLICK!)

Great just great-whoever had answered  Ikkaku's phone had hung up him.

Renji let out a sigh and called Rukia.

" **_ Where are you?" _ **

"I'm not exactly sure."

" **_ What the hell do you mean you're not sure-you damn idiot!" _ **

"I'm not an idiot your map just sucks!"

It was no secret that his raven-haired friend had horrible drawing skills-why she had insisted on hand-drawing a map Renji would never know.

There was a loud tapping noise leaving the redhead to conclude that Rukia was pissed and taking out her frustrations on her phone.

Then a scratching sound followed and finally-

" **_ Renji-san?" _ **

"Uh er yeah who's this?"

" **_ Rukia's Hime of course!" _ **

"Right uh I  mean how are you?"

" **_ I'm great-better than great actually and I'm so glad we finally get the chance to chat because I've been meaning to thank you. You have no idea what this means to me-still don't know how you managed it but it doesn't matter-what matters is you found him and I can't thank you enough." _ **

Renji was a bit confused. He did not know what the princess was talking about but hey who was he to ruin her almost wedding day?

" Sure uh glad you liked it-so anyway if there's any chance you and Rukia could like meet me half way or something I'd really appreciate it  cuz my car is a real piece of junk and-

"Say no more Renji-san Rukia and I are on our way."

CLICK!

"Wait! But you didn't even

Damn-well at least the aggravation of getting lost made him temporarily forget about his other problems.

For the moment anyway.

()()()

Kuchiki Rukia scowled at her cellphone. Why the hell should she take the time out of her pre-wedding day in order to rescue her idiotic friend?

"I'm only doing this for you my Hime." She said to the buxom brunette who was currently sitting in the passenger seat looking too damn tempting in her silky pink gown and silver kitten heels. In addition to her engagement ring the auburn-haired princess was also wearing the sterling silver snow-flake earrings Rukia had presented to her on the previous night during dinner.

"I know because you're a good friend and it's one of the reasons I fell in love with you."

Rukia smirked "Yes but the other reason you fell in love with me far surpasses the first."

The brunette giggled knowingly "Oh you are so bad."

Silver blues danced "And you love me for that too."

**_ Sprinkles and nutmeg _ **

**_ Cinnamon and Honey _ **

**_ Come Make the Holiday Bright _ **

"I really wish you would get rid of that awful ring tone it doesn't even rhyme."

Rukia rolled her eyes and pressed the phone to her ear.

()()()

"Why the hell didn't you call me back?"

" **_ Why must you be such an obnoxious idiot all the time I know where you are." _ **

"You do?" Renji furrowed his brows "How?"

" **_ Because I'm a Kuchiki." Rukia boasted as though that answered everything. _ **

Renji rolled his eyes. "Whatever anyway are you coming or not?"

" **_ Hime and I will be there soon so just cool your jets." _ **

Renji wasn't sure if he believed Rukia. "How much longer?"

He could hear her grinding her teeth on the other end. **_ "Soon. Now stop calling you're wasting my batteries." _ **

After that she hung up.

Renji cursed and threw his phone.

As if to sour his mood even more the heater which had barely worked in the first place had stopped completely.

Renji pulled the car over to the side of the road so he could rummage inside his suitcase for another sweater.

Task complete he started up the car once more and continued down on the road to nowhere.

Still trying to figure out how his friend could possibly know where he was when he himself didn't have a clue. With a shrug Renji zipped up his hoodie and turned the music up even louder.

()()()

A short while later it was pitch dark outside and Renji concluded that it would not be wise to drive any further so he put the car in park and waited for his supposed rescue.

()()

Trying to ignore the bitter wind chill as he downed crackers and soup-another present from  Szayel .

The soup was good-very good instantly warming Renji's body-making him almost happy.

This wasn't so bad-just to sit here and eat in a car with Malik's 'So this is mind Control' blasting on the radio-nope not bad at all-

Renji barely registered the cold-didn't think much about how his body shivered and his teeth chattered-as long as he had his radio all was well-

Just then as if to spite or mock him-yes mock him the engine radio died.

Not one to give up hope that easily the redhead set his soup to the side and turned the key in the ignition-

Nothing happened-

With a resigned sigh Renji concluded that he wasn't going anywhere so he might as well bundle up.

He reached into his suitcase and threw on several more layers of clothes-above all else at least he wouldn't freeze to death.

Things could be worse. Things could always be worse.

Renji flipped back his chair and shut his eyes-maybe after a few hours of rest the car would start up again or Rukia would appear-yes things would improve he just had to give it time.

()()()

"Rukia I think we missed a turn on that last-

"Nonsense Hime I know exactly where I'm going."

"But I could  sworn we-

"Hime- chan ?"

"Er yes?"

"I know where I'm going

Inoue  Orihime was not one to doubt her lover but she was pretty sure that Renji-san would not be at the MODSOUL strip club.

()()()

Renji wasn't sure how long he had been sleeping but he could see the sun starting to rise.

The snow had stopped. It was the start of a new day.

With a new burst of energy flowing through his entire being Renji turned the key in the ignition and let out a triumphant shout when it purred to life.

He gave it a light tap like an owner would when petting its dog for a job well done, turned the radio back on ' Chocobos 'In Your Garden' was playing-

Renji felt it was the ideal sort of  wake up song-

A pop techno type sound. He was still quite warm in his 6 layers of clothing so Renji felt no need to try and see if the heater worked again.

Then he reached for his cellphone.

Rukia had left him a voice message.

" **_ Hey  _ ** **_ Rennnnnji _ ** **_ this is (hic) Ru-(hic) kia-you know your  _ ** **_ frrrriend _ ** **_ (hic) listen you know Hime- _ ** **_ chan _ ** **_ and I are  _ ** **_ gonna _ ** **_ hic) be a  _ ** **_ lil _ ** **_ (hic) late and  _ ** **_ hahaha _ ** **_ stop that I'm tick(hic) _ ** **_ ish _ ** **_ -well see you then, bye." _ **

**_ WTF? _ **

**_ Okay so apparently instead of coming to rescue him Rukia had decided to grab her bride to be off to some strip club and in the process got so damn drunk off her ass that she couldn't even leave a proper message! _ **

**_ Damn. Damn. Double Damn! _ **

Renji let out a sigh and decided that he would not let his raven-haired friend ruin his day. He took another look at the map and felt like a complete grade A idiot-he couldn't believe that he had been so out of it yesterday that he hadn't noticed that the damn thing had been upside down.

' _ Go figure!' _

Renji turned the map right side up and then he knew exactly where he was and where he needed to go.

He was exactly 30 miles away from the lodge and could get there in record time-

But why rush?

Rukia was too drunk off her ass to even lecture him properly then there was no need for Renji to rush.

No he would take his time.

Maybe stop at a diner or something and have a breakfast.

Sausage and Pancakes sounded like a fine place to start.

()()()

20 minutes later Renji was back on the road with Shinsengumi's We Love Mayo blasting through the speakers!

Yes this was Renji's day-!

And it was only getting better because after searching through his belongings Renji had found a hidden thermos hidden in with his toiletries-not that he'd ever admit it out loud but Grantz would probably make a good wife.

Renji scowled at the thought. Thinking of that bastard would ruin his day not make it better.

Besides Renji's ideal wife would never be someone as  fruitastic and flamboyant as  Szayel -no Renji's wife would be an older woman-preferably in her 30's maybe early 40's if she was a looker or-okay so aside from Nel, his child hood crush, Renji had never really been attracted to members of the opposite sex-so his ideal mate- yes his ideal mate would have to be neither soft nor rough, somewhere in between. Standing somewhere between 5'7 and 5'10, light colored hair and-

Renji shook his head.

Mate? What the hell is wrong with me?

Stupid Grantz! Bastard probably put some other weird drug or something in this thermos just like he did with the last one-

' **_ Well at least this one only effects my mind not my- _ **

As if to further taunt him-just as Renji continued to sip  Szayel's magic coffee the all too familiar itch started up yet again-just like yesterday-no worse!

Much  much worse.

Renji didn't even feel like he had control over his body anymore-felt like his hands had moved on their own-forcing him to whip out his King Cobra and jack off once more!

()()()

After re-soiling his steering wheel Renji wiped at the sticky white substance lazily with a napkin he had found buried in the back of his trunk (wasn't perfect but it would have to do for the time being)

()()()

Rukia yawned lazily. She knew who was calling but she was going to let him suffer for a little while longer.

Besides she much rather  continue to lie around in this master suite on this wonderfully fluffy King size bed surrounded by her would-be-bride and the sexy bunny stripper they had picked up last night.

_ Yes _ _ Risa had been too delish to pass up especially when she started rubbing that feather duster in between her legs as she continued to dance on the pole. _

_ Rukia had watched the way her Hime- _ _ chan's _ _ gun metal grays had let up with excitement and had quickly reached a decision. _

After  all just because they were soon to be married women-that did not mean they had stop having spontaneous fun and adventure every now and then.

()()()

What the hell was a golden fox doing in the middle of the road?

There was no way Renji could ever run over such an innocent creature-well innocent or not there was no way Renji would run over any animal.

The thing had appeared out of nowhere but he could still swerve out of the way-might give the fox a good start but at least he wouldn't-WOAH!

That was perhaps too fast of a turn-Renji slammed on the breaks right before the car went toppling off the mountain side-

Unfortunately even though he had managed to avoid a quick and painful death with the cliff-there was nothing he could do about the large tree which had also suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

It was not wise to panic-Renji knew this-knew that he should try and remain calm and regain control of the car before trying to exit the vehicle-

Curse his rotten luck!

His hands were still so damn slippery with his own  jizz that he was having a devil of a time getting his seat belt off-and then before he knew it-

WHAM! LIGHTS OUT!

()()()

As usual Naru had run off to play again and as usual the abominable snowberry had to search for his companion.

And while he was out searching for the blond fox the snowberry certainly didn't expect to come across-

A human?

A human unconscious in a car which had crashed into a tree.

Not just any tree-the tree-

Normally the snowberry would be pissed that some moronic human had smashed into the same tree where he had buried his fallen companions underneath the soil but from the looks of things it didn't look like the human had done it on purpose.

So, the snowberry would let it slide.

He couldn't make out any real details of the human's face from this angle-couldn't determine if it was male or female but he could make out the hair-which was brighter than even his own and that was saying something.

The snowberry felt it was his duty to check on the human-make sure it was still breathing.

Based on his past encounters with these creatures he would approach with caution.

()()()

It was a dream-the collision wasn't that serious or so Renji had thought but maybe he hit his head harder than he thought because the dream or the hallucination? Yes, the hallucination that the fabled abominable snowberry had appeared before him-although a great deal shorter than the stories had made it out to be-

Not that Renji gave a damn about the monsters' height to begin with because it was all a hallucination anyway and-

Shit it was reaching one of its monstrous paws out now-probably only seconds away from crushing Renji's skull-

Crap  Crap Crap why did life have to suck so damn much?

()()()

The snowberry rolled his eyes. Really for all their arrogant boasting and natural "confidence" he just couldn't understand why humans seemed to fear him.

Why couldn't they just understand that sometimes it simply got cold and lonely up in the mountains and all he wanted was a bit of company? Couldn't they see that he wasn't here to harm them?

Sure, his appearance of big furry white creature with strange eyes and noticeable fangs might be a bit intimidating but he was a gentle spirit with a pure heart. Contrary to all the myths and legends he was not a cannibal.

Ah the human was waking up-good good now they could have a chance to-

" Ahhhhhhhhhh !"

With a scream that could probably cause an avalanche if given a chance the human scrambled backwards to get as far away from him as possible-and then fainted.

The snowberry cocked his head to the side.

Certainly, more interesting than other humans he encountered in the past.

He wanted to know more.

And so, he knelt down and picked up the unconscious human and started the long trek back up to his home inside the hidden cave on the highest part of the mountain.

He would go back out and continue his search for Naru later once he had a few words with the human.

()()()

He was moving-or rather he was being carried?

Yes, carried on the back of a-

Let's see white fur with a stripe of orange, large paws, long fangs, right so the abominable snowberry was carrying him up the mountain-that was nice-wait!

No, it wasn't! What the-shit the mythical snow creature had found Renji, scooped him up and was now carrying him up the-

**_ Don't panic don't panic-use your brain-maybe you can knock the thing unconscious and- _ **

"Don't struggle trust me you do not want to fall from this height."

The abominable snowberry was speaking to him?

And Renji could understand it?

What were the odds?

()()()

The snowberry couldn't help but think that this particular human smelled well…nice.

Very nice actually.

()()()

Renji blinked. Once. Twice. Three times. Four times.

Was he truly hallucinating or was the snow monster purring?

And then quite unceremoniously the creature dropped the tattooed redhead like yesterday's luggage.

' _ Well at least I landed on my side.' _ Thought Renji

Red-brown eyes took in the space around him.

A cave. Although from the looks of things it didn't look like an average cave-but more like a home-or at least a living room inside a house-a leather recliner, a bear skin rug, cozy little fire place, a bed.

Wow this was certainly not what he had been expecting.

And then it dawned on Renji the monstrous snowberry wasn't just some random dangerous creature who liked to eat humans-no it was a creature from another world- yes another world who came here to-

The redhead felt sick to his stomach quickly concluding that the legendary snowberry had eaten the humans who set up this little living space in the mountains and now it was going to do the same to Renji.

Hell if he'd go down  with out a fight!

()()()

The human was nervous. Twitching like a cornered animal in caught in a trap. The snowberry did not like the sight.

He found it most unsettling.

He was determined to change the expression on the human's face because now that he was back at his  home, he could make out that it was a rather attractive male. If the snowberry was smart, he could win this human over-possibly gain a friend or something more?

He wouldn't get his hopes up but it was nice to think happy things-almost made the snowberry feel human once more.

The snowberry rubbed at his chest-feeling that familiar ache and decided that he shouldn't waste  anymore time and just get on with it.

()()()

So caught up in trying to figure how to escape the snowberry Renji failed to realize that said berry was coming into his personal space until it was almost too late.

He scrambled back trying to distance himself from the creature-almost desperately hoping for some type of-

"Calm down would you I just want to talk."

This was the second time the creature was speaking and Renji could understand it.

The question was why?

Above all else Renji was a man and men do not cower-even at the sight of-

He crossed his arms and stood up feeling a little more confident when he found he towered over the figure by a few inches. "So, go ahead and talk but uh don't come any closer."

()()

When the human took on an offensive stance the snowberry almost wanted to change his game plan-thinking it might be fun to mess with the human just a little bit.

But first a change of appearance was in order.

()()()

The line 'things aren't always what they seem' rang truer at that very moment then at any other time Renji could recall in his life.

He stood there with his mouth gaping wide open-he could probably catch a school of fish in one gulp, eyes nearly bugging out of their sockets-

Finger pointing at the creature that was no longer a creature anymore-or if it was it had one hell of a skill-being able to change itself into-

If Renji were still a horny teenage adolescent he would probably need a mop in order to wipe away the blood that would have been dripping from his nose at that moment-

Cliches aside never in his life could the tattooed redhead recall ever seeing such a delicious being-hell he couldn't even remember ever dreaming up a creature who looked like it stepped straight out of a-

()()()

The snowberry's left brow twitched-this was part of the reason why he did not like to shed his outer coat-humans became so easily distracted

"Hey do you think you can wipe the drool from your face long enough and tell me what the hell you were doing out here in the mountains in the first place?"

()()()

The creature's lips were moving but whatever was being said at that moment did not register in Renji's brain-for his brain had flown south for the winter leaving nothing but mush in its place-

Well not mush exactly-not even close-more like his brain decided to tune everything else out and just focus on the spiky tangerine locks falling just above beautiful cinnamon brown eyes-focus on the cheekbones, high and seemingly kissed by the sun- focus on the perfectly shaped peach tinted mouth which seemed to be set into a half frown-focus on the neck-especially that defined collarbone which was just asking to be nibbled and tasted-those natural flexing pectoral muscles, practically dancing for him, the nubs making him think of caramel cream candies-it had been far too long since he last had a proper bite to eat.

"Oi!"

Renji blinked.

The creature was glaring at him, a slight tint to his cheeks.

He'd be damned if he was going to apologize. Served the snowberry right (yes somehow some way he had concluded that the creature was still the snowberry) for standing there practically in the buff.

Instead, the first true smirk made its way on to Renji's face and without further warning he advanced on the creature.

()()()

The snowberry was having none of that.

He was going to tell his story and learn his potential mates name before any pouncing action took place.

Nearly laughing his ass of in a completely out of character style as he switched back into his furry coat and the human skidded to an abrupt halt.

The snowberry had no one to blame but himself. His fallen comrades had always said he should say his piece before dropping his coat-always said he should keep his guard up because humans did not know the meaning of patience and down boy!

And now this particular human was pouting.

"Sorry to disappoint you but I need you to focus on what I'm about to reveal to you."

()()()

Renji really didn't give a  monkeys ass about whatever it was the snowberry wanted to say-he was much more interested in finding out if the creature under the coat the tasted as good as he had looked.

He almost wanted to whine but that would be totally and completely unmanly.

On top of which the snowberry might get the wrong idea and Renji really didn't want to finish that particular train of thought-so for the time being he ignored the tent rising in his pants and sat down-hoping that if he sat and listened like a good boy the mountain creature would shed his fur once more.

()()()

Seemingly satisfied that the tattooed human had settled down for the time being the snowberry repeated his question "So what are you doing out in the mountains?"

"I was on my way to meet a friend."

At a raised brow the human elaborated "She's getting married I'm supposed to walk her down the aisle or something-didn't really give me the details she's more of a last minute  kinda woman you know."

"…"

"Right so uh what was all that-er the transformation thing. Are you a shapeshifter or something?"

"It's a bit more complicated than that." The snowberry sat down and stared into the fire before meeting the humans' gaze once more. "We'll start with the basics, call me Ichigo."

"Number one guardian, sworn to protect," the redhead looked thoughtful "The legends are false then? You're a good snowberry?"

"It's not really a matter of being good or bad-more like how one chooses to interpret things."

It was the human's turn to raise a brow. Sounded ridiculous to Ichigo referring to the redhead as human. He needed to find out his name "Before I continue what's your name?"

A bit of the cockiness returned to the human's tone. "Renji, I'm not exactly sworn or destined to protect anyone but with you I might make an exception."

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "I don't need protecting, but thanks all the same."

"…"

"…"

"You know  you're kind of-

"Interesting."

A moment of silence. Followed by twin glares and finally both the snowberry and the human chuckled.

And then glared again.

"Stop copying me!"

Ichigo snorted. "What are you in 3rd grade? I can't help it if we think alike."

"Oh yeah? Let's see if you can guess what I'm thinking next."

It was strange. But a good kind of strange. The snowberry didn't even know how it happened-nor what it had to do with anything but-

The hu-no Renji furrowed his brows together and shut his eyes-he seemed to be thinking really hard-or trying to convince Ichigo that he was thinking really hard-again it was strange but sort of familiar in a way that Ichigo really couldn't understand.

He took a few minutes to just study the human-his face specifically-hoping to figure him out.

He couldn't wrap his brain around it but something about Renji seemed-well like he knew him from somewhere.

A relative perhaps?

He shook his head it didn't matter.

Not really.

Back to the game.

"Could it be you're thinking about whether or not I'll keep good on my promise and let you embrace me once I'm done telling my story?"

()()()

Renji didn't know how the  sn -how Ichigo was doing it-nor did he really care-he was far more interested in seeing what other expressions he could get his creature to make- yes, his creature was back-it seemed that  somewhere in between their glaring competition the transformation had taken place-

From the looks of  things the orange haired male looked to be around the same age-well this version of him anyway-in truth Ichigo was probably ancient-

Renji should be a bit freaked out by this but he wasn't and why?

Well whatever the snowberry was things like age probably didn't really exist anyway-maybe Ichigo was more like a vampire or something-youthful looking forever.

Again it didn't matter-Renji just wanted the berry to hurry up and tell his story so they could get started.

And they would indeed get started if the teasing tone in the berry's voice was anything to go by.

"I'm all ears  _ berry-cakes _ ."

The berry narrowed his eyes. "Don't start with the nicknames or I swear I'll throw you back out into the cold."

Renji was more amused than anything. "You can try."

()()()

Ichigo let out a low growl and smirked triumphantly when the redhead jumped a bit.

" Anyway I guess the best place to start any story is at the very beginning…

()()()

**_ All legends, myths, fairy tales usually start with children. _ **

**_ In this case it was a young girl around oh 14 or so years of age. _ **

1/2


	2. Snow Berry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ichigo's tale...which is promptly interrupted by smex. LOLS

Disclaimer: Not Kubo-sensei!

2/2

**_ All legends, myths, fairy tales usually start with children. _ **

**_ In this case it was a young girl around oh 14 or so years of age. _ **

**_ Dressed in expensive petticoats and designer boots, not a hair out of place, rosy cheeks, she is the very picture of youthful innocence-they call her  _ ** **_ Hinamori _ ** **_. _ **

**_ Now Hina- _ **

**_ ()() _ **

**_ The snowberry stopped telling his tale when he noticed the tattooed redhead started to remove his clothes- _ **

"Oi! Oi! What are you doing?"

"Relax Ichigo I'm just getting a little more comfortable-after all I don't see why only one of us should be practically naked." Renji wiggled his brows, "Loving the boxers by the way (holiday red with little bells) very festive."

The snowberry scowled "I didn't pick these out!"

"Ah but you are the one wearing them so-

"Shut up! They keep me warm."

It was one of the few items that the snowberry had refused to give up even when he was cursed-not that he'd tell the human this.

Renji snickered and moved closer to Ichigo. "I have a more productive way to keep you warm."

The snowberry slapped away the humans' hands (the redhead tried to be slick and slip a finger inside his boxers)

"Not yet wait  til ' I finish my story."

Renji rolled his eyes and rested his hand on the snowberry's thigh. "Fine, fine go ahead and tell your story."

()()()

**_ Hinamori _ ** **_ was loved and cherished by many and yet she felt a deep loneliness-felt like a piece of her soul was missing-felt she didn't quite belong in the world. She believed that there had to be more to living aside from simply going through the motions. _ **

**_ She was determined to find it-she went on an adventure of sorts-looking for the unknown. _ **

**_ Hoping that whatever/whoever she might find out there would bring her a sense of happiness. _ **

**_ ()() _ **

**_ Now venturing out into the wild after hours probably wasn't a wise thing to do in the first place but  _ ** **_ Hinamori _ ** **_ simply didn't care. _ **

**_ She felt dead inside. _ **

**_ Figured if she encountered a bear or something equally wild and dangerous it would light up that spark in her-make her feel alive! _ **

**_ ()() _ **

**_ Well _ ** **_ it wasn't a bear that little  _ ** **_ Hinamori _ ** **_ encountered but a shape shifter. _ **

**_ His voice was smooth and hypnotic, his gaze dark and penetrating, his touch-he brushed the inside of her wrist with his thumb-feeling her pulse-pressing, reaching, grabbing on to her very soul. _ **

**_ He possessed her in an instant. Stripped her from her human flesh- _ **

" **_ This is what you wanted." _ **

**_ Hinamori _ ** **_ shook her head frantically. She wanted to scream-wanted to run but found that she no longer had control over her body- _ **

**_ Eyes grew wide with horror as she watched her pale flesh change-a coat of white fur covering her once dainty hand, moving up to her elbow and eventually enveloping her entire body. _ **

**_ Little  _ ** **_ Hinamori _ ** **_ didn't understand what was happening to her-she made another attempt to scream but could not. _ **

**_ As the shapeshifter drew closer-a hairs breath away he said _ **

** "I am Aizen  ** ** Sousuke ** ** and you shall call me Kami-sama." **

** ()()() **

**_ I know what you're thinking what does any of this have to do with me? _ **

**_ Well _ ** **_ I shall tell you _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

**_ When I was a  _ ** **_ teenager _ ** **_ I too encountered shapeshifters. But unlike  _ ** **_ Hinamori _ ** **_ I wasn't looking for a sense of adventure or a thrill ride- _ **

**_ I was quite content being plain old Ichigo. _ **

**_ Neither happy nor depressed with life. I had a mother, a father and 2 sisters, lived in a  _ ** **_ middle class _ ** **_ neighborhood, was neither a delinquent nor a kiss ass. Neither popular nor an outcast-I had a fair share of admirers. _ **

**_ I had one rule for myself. _ **

**_ If at any time I was bored I would find something to do. _ **

**_ Because in my mind you're only bored if your lazy and I wasn't lazy. _ **

**_ Played my fair share of sports, had a few summer jobs, went to school, hung out with friends, like I said nothing special or extraordinary. _ **

**_ I didn't date-just didn't have any interest in it. _ **

**_ And even though I enjoyed a lot of things there was nothing I felt passionate about. _ **

**_ This worried my mother and so you can imagine what happened next… _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

**_ I came home one afternoon to find three of my former rivals turned friends sitting inside my kitchen drinking eggnog and munching on cookies. _ **

**_ It didn't take a genius to figure it out why they were there-hair combed, shirts tucked in, piercings removed, perfect schoolboys sweet talking my mother. _ **

**_ I wouldn't find out what exactly it was they were trying to get her to agree to up until the following weekend when they showed up outside my house looking like they were heading to the mountains. _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

**_ Nnoitra _ ** **_ with his body leaned half way against the wall, long black hair falling partially over his grinning oblong shaped face, shielding his  _ ** **_ amethyst colored _ ** **_ eye, wearing a pair of goggles around his neck like it was some sort of backwards fashion statement, a bright yellow fleece-lined down jacket over his black turtle neck, black snow pants and boots. _ **

**_ Up in the tree posed very much like a jungle cat was  _ ** **_ Grimmjow _ ** **_ , electric blue hair in faux hawk/blow dried style, electric blue eyes shielded behind silver goggles, tight fitted  _ ** **_ v-neck _ ** **_ navy blue sweater underneath his infamous black leather jacket, dark blue jeans and brown hiking boots. _ **

**_ And last but certainly not least looking as though he had just woken up from a nap or like he might just fall asleep right there was  _ ** **_ Starrk _ ** **_ -don't know why I didn't notice him first since he was sitting on the front steps but  _ ** **_ anyway _ ** **_ I noticed that he too looked to be dressed for hiking or skiing or something, looking kind of cute (not that I told him this at the time) in his gray and white striped beanie hat, fur-trimmed charcoal gray parka, white ski pants and gray boots. _ **

**_ Needless to  _ ** **_ say _ ** **_ I myself felt a  _ ** **_ lil _ ** **_ underdressed in my simple red and black-checkered pajamas bottoms and white t-shirt. _ **

**_ But that isn't really the point. _ **

**_ Nnoitra _ ** **_ moved away from the wall and swung one of his long arms around me "Go get your skis  _ ** **_ Ichi _ ** **_ -pet we're going on a  _ ** **_ lil _ ** **_ ' road trip." _ **

**_ I blinked stupidly until I felt something wet on the side of my cheek. Took me a second or two to conclude that  _ ** **_ Starrk _ ** **_ had stood and licked the side of my cheek, reminding me very much of a playful dog-er but anyway _ **

" **_ A road trip to where?" _ **

**_ Grimmjow _ ** **_ used this opportunity to jump down from the tree and blow his nicotine breath in my face "Never mind where brat, we're  _ ** **_ gonna _ ** **_ have some fun." _ **

" **_ MAKE SURE YOU TAKE LOTS OF PICTURES MY SONS IN LAW. I EXPECT ALL OF YOU TO MAKE A REAL WOMAN OUT OF MY ICHIGO!" _ **

**_ My moronic father shouted from the roof-he was stringing Christmas lights and at the time I thought my it would be oh so tempting to kick the ladder out from under him-would have done it too if I didn't have my mother to think about. _ **

**_ If goat face had really fallen then he would have wound up in a cast and my mother would have to wait on him hand and foot even more so than she already did. _ **

**_ So instead, bright faced and brow twitching I told the idiot to "SHUT THE HELL UP!" _ **

**_ Honestly what was he thinking making those kinds of comments? _ **

()()

At the redheads amused look Ichigo decided to move on with the story.

()()()

**_ I turned to my sister Karin who was just returning home from practice and we had a little sibling chat. _ **

**_ Nothing much just basically getting her to agree to lock goat face out of the house for constantly embarrassing us-in Karin's case goat face embarrassed her in front of her soccer coach which wouldn't have been a big deal if she didn't have a major crush on the guy at that time. _ **

**_ I doubt he did it on purpose-he was a good guy when it was all said and done-I think what it really was at the end of the day goat face wanted to live through us-do the things that he never got to do or whatever the saying is. _ **

**_ My mother and my other sister Yuzu waved goodbye to me from the kitchen window-the fresh smell of pies and cakes and their warm smiling faces made me feel rather warm and fuzzy. _ **

**_ And  _ ** **_ no _ ** **_ I am not afraid to admit it! _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

**_ As we were making our way to  _ ** **_ Starrk's _ ** **_ jeep a familiar blur of white jumped out of the bushes and at me, climbing up on my shoulders and narrowing his golden eyes at my friends. _ **

**_ Shiro, my cat was a very possessive feline and did not think much of them. _ **

**_ Starrk _ ** **_ was allergic to cats so he made sure never to get  _ ** **_ to _ ** **_ close to Shiro in the first place.  _ ** **_ Grimmjow _ ** **_ -well sometimes it seemed like he could understand Shiro better than I could-they were rivals for my attention (snorts) and  _ ** **_ Nnoitra _ ** **_ well… _ **

**_ Let's just say there was definitely no real love lost between him and Shiro. On top of being possessive my cat wasn't a very forgiving animal, not that I blame him since  _ ** **_ Nnoitra _ ** **_ did slam the door on his tail once-granted it was by accident but still have you ever heard a cat yowl? _ **

**_ I felt awful seeing poor Shiro in so much pain.  _ ** **_ Nnoitra _ ** **_ did try to smooth things over-offering my cat GRADE A  _ ** **_ Catfood _ ** **_ and top of the line catnip-it didn't work exactly but at least Shiro stopped trying to claw his face off at every free chance he got. _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

**_ Anyway flashforward… _ **

**_ So _ ** **_ there we were on the road bored out of our minds even though we had all of man's greatest distractions (television, radio, portable games, laptop, caffeine,  _ ** **_ etc _ ** **_ )  _ ** **_ Starrk _ ** **_ decided to break the boredom by telling a story. _ **

**_ I'm glad he was the one to start actually because whenever  _ ** **_ Nnoitra _ ** **_ told a story it would  _ ** **_ some how _ ** **_ become like a sleazy porno and whenever  _ ** **_ Grimmjow _ ** **_ told a story-well let's just say he became the character and often had me as his star-crossed lover-bit embarrassing really-even though it was all in jest or so I thought- _ **

**_ Erm  _ ** **_ yeah _ ** **_ my companions were perverted though that much was obvious. _ **

**_ As for the story… _ **

" **_ They say a long time ago a girl a few years younger than us disappeared when she ventured up to the mountains-something horrible happened to her-a great figure appeared from who knows where and put a curse on her-transforming her into a monster. _ **

**_ Keep in mind this not your  _ ** **_ modern day _ ** **_ Beauty and the Beast Fairy Tale-no young  _ ** **_ Hinamori-chan _ ** **_ was not so lucky-most unfortunate actually." _ **

**_ Starrk _ ** **_ paused to take a glance at the road map and  _ ** **_ Grimmjow _ ** **_ picked up where he left off "So if you can see where we're getting at here brat-we're off on an adventure." _ **

**_ I raised a curious brow prompting him to continue but  _ ** **_ Nnoitra _ ** **_ took it upon himself to answer "Why go skiing up in some mountains when  _ ** **_ ya _ ** **_ can go hunting for demons? Better yet let's do both." _ **

**_ Grimmjow _ ** **_ elbowed  _ ** **_ Nnoitra _ ** **_ in the stomach knocking the wind out of the taller male "Anyway brat they say Hina-skank became a vengeful queen, curse all and  _ ** **_ any one _ ** **_ who come across her path but I've got this theory," a grin "I think she-Ooof!" _ **

**_ Nnoitra _ ** **_ returned the blow and the  _ ** **_ Grimmjow _ ** **_ was in too much pain to glare. _ **

" **_ Enough about slutty monster chicks come and sit in my lap pet I'll keep you warm." _ **

" **_ If you're cold Ichigo you should come and sit up front with me." _ **

**_ Now because  _ ** **_ Starrk _ ** **_ was driving I knew he wouldn't try to practically molest me like  _ ** **_ Nnoitra _ ** **_ and  _ ** **_ Grimmjow _ ** **_ so I moved up to the front and eventually fell asl- _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

Ichigo stopped  mid sentence when the sound of snoring reached his ears.

His left brow twitched. How dare the bastard human fall asleep on him!

The snowberry picked up one of the boots that Renji had slipped off in order to get more comfortable and chucked it at the redhead.

"Huh? What? Who?"

"Pay attention dumb ass I'm trying to tell my story and if you fall asleep again you can forget about getting anywhere near my ass!"

Course the snowberry wasn't really going to deny the tattooed human access to his ass he was just saying this but Renji didn't know it so it worked out just fine.

Better than fine. Perfectly.

"Sorry Ichigo." Renji sat up straight like a good little soldier. "It's just uh-the redhead started playing with his hair, twisting the bright strands around his index finger- "You have this-I mean your voice it relaxes me-far better than any dream cd you know and-

Ichigo's irritation simmered a bit. It was an unusual compliment but kind of nice too. "Huh I always thought it was kind of raspy."

Renji nodded, "It's a pleasant kind of rasp though-suits you."

As reddish-brown eyes met his own cinnamon and coffee ones the snowberry melted just a little more.

The sense of familiarity-possibly a long-lost love surrounded his entire being once more as he studied those eyes more closely.

"Appleseed's," he mumbled

"Huh?"

Ichigo shook his head. "Nothing just uh something I remembered," a shrug "Now where was I-ah yeah so there we were…

()()()

**_ A simple skiing trip had turned into an adventure-searching for the snow munchkin  _ ** **_ Hinamori _ ** **_. _ **

"Snow munchkin?"

"The one who was cursed remember?"

"Ah oh yeah, so go on."

()()()

**_ Truthfully after the guys told me the  _ ** **_ tale _ ** **_ I felt kind of sorry for this  _ ** **_ Hinamori _ ** **_ I mean it's not her fault that she was tricked by some manipulative slick-tongued bastard-it's not her fault that she was cursed and felt it was only just to curse others- _ **

**_ Her rage-her quest for revenge was understandable-to an extent. _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

**_ It happened faster than a lightning bolt-faster than a bullet and the pain-the pain was unlike anything else I had ever felt before or so I had thought at the time-the only way I remained on my feet-the only way I managed to not complete lose it was because my friends were with me-suffering-experiencing the curse at the same time that I was-still it didn't make the situation any better- _ **

**_ In  _ ** **_ fact _ ** **_ it was worse because watching their proud masculine faces scrunched up in pain-watching them fall to their knees and howl still gives me nightmares even after all this time- _ **

**_ And as I was experiencing the change-as the white fur enveloped me-felt like I was being branded with fire or something equally unpleasant he appeared. _ **

**_ Yes _ ** **_ the same  _ ** **_ shafeshifter _ ** **_ that had cursed poor Hina-munchkin- _ **

**_ I did not like his smirking aristocratic face-did not like his deep entrancing brown eyes-did not like how he made me shiver and burn all at once-did not like how his voice-well anyway he was too much of an evil bastard to drool over- _ **

**_ Arrogant too-expected all of us to cow  _ ** **_ tow _ ** **_ and call him master. _ **

**_ As fuckin' if! _ **

**_ My friends and I went out of our way to be as difficult as possible-we enjoyed getting a rise out of our new "master"-it became a game one might say-which of us could make him snap first. _ **

**_ Sadly, tragically  _ ** **_ one night _ ** **_ things changed- _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

**_ Aizen had taken an interest in me. The rest were pets, experiments, errors, but I- _ **

" **_ You have the potential to become a goddess Kurosaki Ichigo, the ideal match that only a true God like me deserves." _ **

**_ Or something equally pompous and proud! _ **

**_ I won't go into detail because the images-memories are still too fresh in my mind and it hurts even more to speak them out loud-but I did not know-did not understand true pain until that  _ ** **_ thing _ ** **_ , you can't call him a man, a creature, a beast-no title truly fit an abomination like Aizen, that  _ ** **_ thing  _ ** **_ ripped into me-nearly shattered me. _ **

**_ But my friends didn't let him get that far-which still pisses me off to this very day- _ **

**_ Grimmjow _ ** **_ ,  _ ** **_ Nnoitra _ ** **_ and  _ ** **_ Starrk _ ** **_ were always stubborn bastards-loud, brash, arrogant and not easily controlled but they could also be sweet, gentle and fiercely protective- _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

**_ Aizen, the piece of shit-oh he had a fuckin' field day messing with them-playing with their limbs, organs, you name it and then recreating their bodies and repeating the process all over again-barely recognizable. _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

**_ I charged at him (determined to kill him even in my weakened state) it was no laughing matter-I was out for blood! _ **

**_ But I was also nowhere near his level as he so loved to point out- _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

**_ Flash forward _ **

**_ Hinamori _ ** **_ showed her ugly face during the following winter-a mob of brainwashed humans trailing behind her. _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

**_ I don't like to go into detail like I previously said-all you have to know is-that mob-the humans slaughtered my comrades- _ **

**_ In a broken hearted  _ ** **_ rage _ ** **_ I slaughtered each and every last one of them. _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

**_ Some time passed _ **

**_ I was pathetic and alone and running- _ **

**_ Running where I did not know-did not care but I didn't want to carry on-enough was enough-I was disgusted with everything-but most of all myself- _ **

**_ Asked myself how could I let it get to this-? Why had I allowed myself to sink so slow-? _ **

**_ I thought of my family-could barely remember what they looked like any more-thought of my  _ ** **_ next door _ ** **_ neighbor-he was an interesting guy,  _ ** **_ kinda _ ** **_ like you now that I think of it. _ **

**_ I stood up on top of the mountain-ready to jump-ready to end it all and then Naru appeared… _ **

**_ ()()() _ **

Renji wanted to hear the snowberry's story- honestly he did but there was just something-something in that voice or perhaps the cave itself that made him sleepy and before the tattooed pineapple knew it his eyes slipped shut and he was off in dream land.

()()()

Rukia wanted to take back every mean and hurtful thing she had said to her tattooed friend. Most of it was meant in jest ( kinda like sibling rivalry) their friendship had always been that way.

But as the raven-haired woman approached the abandoned vehicle with her Hime- chan just a few steps behind her, Rukia began to worry.

She did not want to jump to the worst conclusions but when she noticed the tiny droplets of red liquid on the busted window and a tiny puddle in the snow-she couldn't help the way her knees trembled-

Her princess caught Rukia before she fell. "Don't worry I'm sure Renji-san was able to get out of the back before it smashed into a tree-there would be a lot more blood if he was seriously hurt and-

Rukia rested her head on the bride to  be's shoulder "You really think so Hime- chan ?"

" Of course I am. I bet Renji-san just went in search of shelter-it snowed pretty heavily last night and-

"I hope you're right."

The buxom brunette nodded. "I know I am and I'll tell you why."

Rukia lifted her head up "Why?"

"The snow magician of course! Better known as the golden fox to most but Sora- nii always used to tell me the tale of the amazing snow magician when I was growing up. They say that despite his youthful appearance very few could match his power. A crown of sunny blond hair, the bluest of blue eyes, more strength in his pinky then 20 full grown gladiators-And whoever was in need of his help would receive it-They say he was a traveler-searching for his  long lost love. They say he would never  st -

Rukia smiled and pulled her bride to be closer. "Thank you my Hime, you always know just what to say."

Gun metal grays met silver blue "If something ever happened and we were separated would you search for me Rukia?"

Rukia cupped  Orihime's sun-kissed cheek "I'd never stop searching until I had you back in my arms. No one can replace you, my Hime."

()()()

Apparently being physically violent was not working-not enough to keep Renji from constantly falling asleep on him.

' **_ So that leaves option two.' _ ** Thought Ichigo.

Although if the snowberry was going to be completely honest with himself, he had wanted to do this since Renji had first set foot inside his home.

' **_ Even though I'm technically the one who carried him here that's not really the point.' _ **

The first thing to catch Ichigo's eye before he had even brought the human to the cave was the hair-a silky shiny curtain of red. Bringing to mind the image of maraschino cherries.

The snowberry had never quite understood the obsession with cherries until now…

And Renji's eyes (when opened) those eyes had reminded Ichigo of Appleseed's-brought back the memory of the apple tree orchard just a few short miles from his home-a nostalgic sort of feeling.

Ichigo wouldn't go so far as to say he would like to lick the redheads eye balls-that was disgusting not to mention bordering on lines of pre-cannibalism but he did wish to capture those eyes.

He just wasn't quite sure how.

His large paws were too damn clumsy-made it impossible to hold a camera and even in his human skin-his hands never quite did what he wanted them to do-It was a bit annoying that he had so much trouble lifting inanimate objects even after all this time-after the bastard's death-Aizen still had a hold of sorts on Ichigo.

The snowberry shook his head. He did not want to think of Aizen. He wanted to think of Renji. Renji and his skin-not a single hair anywhere on that smooth and beautifully sculpted body.

The color reminding Ichigo of a rich honey, artistically decorated with tattoos-the design it self-it was as if the black ink was licking and twisting itself around that wonderful rich honey toned skin (further pronounced by the human's muscular frame.

Renji was neither wiry nor stocky-just perfect.

A combination of sharp angles and fine curves. Clearly masculine but the kind of masculine beauty that was almost nearly impossible to replicate.

And if he dared to say such a thing out loud Renji would probably punch him in the face so Ichigo would keep his thoughts to himself.

Something in the  redheads overall stance, personality and speech pattern spoke of his inner warrior.

Ichigo snorted ' **_ Sometimes I sound so unbelievably dorky even to my own ears.' _ **

Still there was no denying-and it had been far too long since he had last desired to touch another so why deny himself?

Besides Renji had made it more than clear to Ichigo-he wanted him. And the feeling was quite obviously mutual.

But seeing as how his redheaded companion had fallen asleep it was up to the snowberry to take matters into his own hands.

()()()

Slipping his fingers around the waistband of the other male's pants and tugged down.

Ichigo eyes widened at the sight now greeting him.

He certainly hadn't thought the tattooed human would be small by any stretch but this-Renji wasn't even fully erect and Ichigo could still-

The snowberry licked his lips and instead of diving right in, he trailed his tongue lazily along the inner thigh and the wrapped his lips around the ball sac-loving how smooth the skin was-never really understanding why so many others seemed to ignore this part of a man's body.

To an extent it made sense since who the hell wanted a mouth full of hair but people wouldn't have a reason to complain if they kept it smooth like the way Renji kept his.

It didn't have a taste-Ichigo often thought it was kind of dumb how humans associated sexual body parts with food or flavors but-

The smell-the intoxicating odor that was completely and uniquely Renji's-it was twice as strong on the lower part of the redhead's body compared to the upper part.

He enjoyed teasing and mouthing the flesh for a good amount of time before finally zeroing in on the grand prize.

()()()

When the human's thigh twitched slightly Ichigo thought Renji might be waking up (bought damn time!) but when he looked up-the redheads' snores had turned into light breathing/wheezing/whichever…

Renji had delicious looking lips, making Ichigo think of marmalade-a specific marmalade he enjoyed spreading on his toast when he was little-

Orange brows furrowed and the snowberry asked himself

' **_ Why haven't I kissed him yet? Surely I should have pressed my own mouth to his before anything else right?' _ **

Deciding it was time to right the wrong-and correct his error Ichigo carefully straddled the sleeping redhead biting his lower lip to suppress the moan that was threatening to slip out when skin finally met skin-

()()()

Renji was swimming in a pool of caramel creams, peaches and tangerines.

He opened his mouth and found that he simply could not get enough of the taste.

He wanted more!

Sure, some part of his brain thought it was a little odd to be getting excited over food of all things but the other part of his brain said logic didn't matter here in dream land.

The only thing that mattered was the pool of sweetness-the delicious warm pool-warming his previously chilled skin in the most delicious of ways.

And then gradually the warm liquid morphed-becoming solid-the solid shape was becoming a figure-

Reddish browns fluttered-still not quite wide awake Renji reached out for the figure-grinning when it finally dawned on him what he was touching-squeezing fleshy mounds-more accurately Ichigo's butt cheeks.

How bold and insistent his snowberry-to-be was.

Renji wanted to laugh as Ichigo glared at him.

"Something you want berry-cakes?"

"Bastard, open your mouth."

()()()

At long last when the Renji stopped being a jackass-their mouths met and the snowberry tasted pineapple cherries and honey dipped apples and the human tasted sweet tangerines and caramel creams-there was no real tongue-lashing battle-both parties just enjoyed the moment for what it was-

And the delicious friction-so damn good!

"More!"

()()()

Renji didn't know if it was Ichigo or himself who had made the command but he was betting on the tangerine snowberry because without further warning the other male had pushed him down on his back and told him "Don't move."

Now Renji didn't like taking orders but his protest quickly died in his mouth when he noticed what the snowberry was about to do.

()()()

Even after all this time Ichigo felt that the act of stretching and preparing his body for what was to come was more of a mandatory thing rather than pleasurable-

()( )( 0

Slipping his fingers (he always started with two) in between his cheeks and then pushing past the tight ring of muscles he gave his body a few minutes to adjust before slipping in a third…before making his way back over to the tattooed redhead where he hovered just above him-quite surprised and delighted that the human seemed to have no problems with letting him take the  reigns -at least for the moment.

Ichigo lowered his body so it simply brushed against Renji's proud, pulsing, red and leaking organ but not actually letting the cock inside-

He was amused that the redhead seemed to be in a bit of a daze and it wasn't until Ichigo grabbed Renji's hand and placed it against his skin, a purr dripping from peach tinted lips "Touch me."

()()()

Renji grinned. The snowberry didn't have to tell him twice.

()()()

The princess had wanted to return to the Inn but Rukia could not go back without knowing if her friend was safe. So instead, the couple started to walk-not sure what they would find but hoping for the best.

Rukia nearly lost her footing on a slippery patch of ice but once again her Hime- chan was there to catch her before she fell.

()()(()

As the two women continued on the princess decided to fill the silence with babbling

"I still don't know how Renji-san managed to track down Sora- nii . Where did he look? The search and rescue party claimed that they had scoured the entire jungle and yet nothing came up. They told me I should just forget about my brother and I had almost given up hope but then my crimson angel, Renji-san appeared and oh isn't it wonderful Rukia? I've always wanted my brother to give me away on my wedding day."

Rukia didn't voice her thoughts out loud basically she had no desire to upset her princess but at the same time the raven-haired woman felt something simply did not add up-she had only told Renji about Hime's brother once and the tattooed redhead had never had the best memory so she kind of doubted that he had anything to do with Sora being found-which led her to conclude that a certain downstairs neighbor,  Szayel , must be behind it.

'Hm guess I'll have to thank him when we get back home.'

The raven-haired woman was startled when a golden blur shot right in front of her and her bride to be.

()()()

It didn't take a genius to figure out that the snowberry was in a good amount of pain which definitely did not sit well with Renji but it really wasn't his fault-Ichigo was so damn tight-it was almost as if his ass had been sewn shut-no doubt he ripped something and if he pulled  out he'd most likely find some blood mixed in with the cum.

Ichigo was full on growling and howling-Renji noted that it was a bit of a challenge for the tangerine haired male to remain in his human skin-could swear a claw had cut into him or time or two.

But he wasn't going to complain about it-pain came with pleasure as the old saying went-

And the snowberry was determined to continue at a fast and pounding pace-far surpassed bouncing in Renji's lap-impaling his body more and more-

It worried the human just a little bit-was it possible Ichigo might be a little bit of a masochist?

Blinking tears out of his eyes Ichigo wrapped his legs even tighter around Renji "Stop being such an idiot-the burn is bliss in its own way."

"You say that Ichigo but-

"Shut up I know my own body better than you."

Something that would definitely have to change should Renji decide to turn his connection with Ichigo into a long-term type of thing.

' **_ And I will.' _ **

"But you were ow! The  fuc -did you just bite me?"

Ichigo licked at the small droplet of blood and grinned at the redhead "Yes I did and I'll do it again if you don't hurry up and fuck me properly!"

()()()

After following the yellow flash of light…

The two women climbed higher and they reached a cave-loud almost inhuman sounds met their ears (correction this is what it might have sounded like to the untrained ear but Rukia knew better.)

She turned to her lover "Let's head back."

The princess blinked in confusion. "But I thought you said Renji-san might be in-

"He's fine." Rukia smiled "We'll come back for him tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? But what about the wedding?"

"We'll postpone it-besides Byakuya-nii-sama just texted me-seems like he'll be able to make it after all."

The two women waved goodbye to the yellow light turned fox.

"Thanks for your help Naru-san!"

()()()

"What do you mean you're not satisfied? We've been at this for like four hours-like a GD marathon."

The snowberry snorted, "I've been doing most of the work-

Renji took this as a challenge-Ichigo would pay for that one-

"I'll show you-!

Cinnamon and coffee eyes danced "Good. Give me your best!"

()()()

END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bottom Notes: When all else fails dialogue, dialogue dialogue. 
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING! 
> 
> HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

**Author's Note:**

> I ship RenIchi not as hard as other "Ichi" ships but I do ship em...please read on =)


End file.
